If you know me well, you know there are certain things in my life that are a constant struggle for me. Some more than others. Constantly feeling as if I am a failure because my house is not picture perfect clean is one of them. This feeling is made even more hard to deal with thanks to certain negative people in my life who seem to enjoy tearing me down and insulting my home whenever they get a chance. Not exactly sure why someone would do such things but it has caused major stress for me over the years. I have been been made to feel so horrible about it that at one point when two friends helped me out after a baby was born by cleaning the house up while I was in the hospital, I was unable to be grateful but instead just felt judgment and could hear that negative person in my head saying "See, I told you your house was never clean enough. See what they had to do for you?" Never mind that I currently had 4 kids under 7. Never mind that my husband had been gone since I was 3 months pregnant. None of that mattered. Just the constant judgment I would get from certain people.
Yes, I have learned to be more comfortable in who we are and what are lives are like. This is my family and our priorities are different. I can have a spotless house or be sane and have time to spend with my family. I know which one is more important. I will still admit that I would gladly pay for someone to take over folding and putting away the laundry for us (if we could afford it). But I think for the most part we do ok. The house is clean enough to be healthy, lived in enough to be comfy. And with 10 people here 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, that is a feat in itself.
Yesterday we had the going away party at church for our pastor. Ok, we are beyond sad to be loosing such a wonderful priest as he has been an amazing blessing for our parish and our family but I'm pretty sure a man with his gifts is needed elsewhere. At least this is what I keep telling myself. :) We must be nice and share and be grateful for the time we were able to spend sharing his gifts. One of the reasons we felt so comfortable with our priest was that he didn't give us weird looks over the amount of children and could honestly tell our kids that he could relate to their struggles since he grew up in a family of 10 kids. This means he never gave us dirty looks if a kid was acting up in church or a baby was fussing. It also means he was totally sincere in telling Sean at times that he understood what a pain in rear older brothers could be at times but you just have to learn to get along better with them.
Yesterday we had a talk with his mom. Let me simply say I came away feeling so much better about myself. To hear someone else say that they would have parties so they would have a reason to deep clean the house. Or comment about how boys are just awful about leaving trash all over the house (my common phrase is boys are gross). Or to admit to having a time where you are wondering why there are fruit flies in the living room when it turns out that someone stashed an apple core behind the couch. Or that rug is just plain worn out because you just can't afford a new one and every inch of your house is a high traffic area. Laundry that never ends and endless nights spent folding diapers with her husband while watching tv. She also said that she thinks keeping up with it while homeschooling a large brood is impossible. Turns out her children that homeschool their kids have a housekeeper and say they would never be able to keep on top of everything without her.
So I guess what I'm saying is don't be too hard on yourself. This time will pass all too quickly and I have a feeling that those who insist on being negative are either jealous or trying to make themselves feel better somehow by tearing you down. Don't let them. Maybe your house isn't spotless but if your kids know that they are loved, are fed, clean and taken care of, maybe it doesn't matter so much.
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