Still here. Still struggling. Still plugging along. This past year or so has been a rough one. Yup, there have been way too many normal things going wrong to just keep us on our toes. Four dead appliances, way too many car repairs to mention (including a wonderful door falling off), a kid and an ambulance ride, a couple visits from the fire department, new baby who spent too much time in the hospital, won't nurse at all, and has something wrong that we can't quite pinpoint. Yup, crazy year. On the positive side, two kids made it through First Communion, another one was baptized, and the oldest has managed to finish his eagle project work and is managing college courses rather well. Two kids will be taking black belt tests in a few months and child number 2 is starting his eagle project. Seriously, those boys are awesome. So I guess a fairly normal year. Maybe.
And yet I find myself completely struggling emotionally, doubting and rather confused about life. I realize most of this particular struggle started at the beginning of last year when we found ourselves suddenly feeling we were without a parish home. We've settled somewhere close to home but I'm not sure we're completely happy there. Yup, the kids can get through sacraments easily so far which is a bonus. We are also close enough to attempt to actively participate in the parish. The priest seems wonderful and the older boys have been serving funeral Masses there all year. But, well, something is missing. Maybe it is as simple as a lack of closure. Of wondering what the heck or why it was ok to treat our family the way we were when everyone else says such action were completely out of character. It is oh so hard hearing so many people say how they just love the influence of this person who has caused our family so much confusion and pain. I've noticed myself treating our youngest daughter with a different demeanor when she is not perfect in church now because of the comments and just am no longer relaxed or comfortable in church. I mean, you tell me my child isn't welcome, you are saying the same to me. So I guess this past year has been full of doubt and that undercurrent in the background of doubting.
Makes me realize how oh so very easy it is to cause such pain, something I'm more than certain I have likely done to others in the past and for that I am sorry.
So anyway, just please pray for me to find some sense of peace, closure, and healing. Please.