Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I Tried and I Failed

But I'll try again tomorrow. Or next week really.

These past few months have been slightly life changing.  Let's call everything a big gigantic wake up call. I've been trying to focus on healing not only emotionally but physically as well. Meaning putting myself somewhat first for a bit.  So far I have managed to loose 30 pounds which means that all of those clothes Alan told me I would regret giving away because he swore I'd get back into them are kind of missed at the moment.  I have promised myself a trip to the thrift store after loosing another 10 pounds but nothing new will be purchased before then.

Today I decided would be day 1 of starting a couch to 5K program.  Which did not work out so well. I gave it a shot but only managed 2 of the 10 running intervals.  Oh my goodness, what on earth was I thinking on how on earth did I allow myself to get this pathetically out of shape? So I resorted to finishing just walking today and will focus on fast paced walking all week and start over next week.  The long term goal is overall improved health so one more week is not a big deal but I can still remember what it felt like to just go out and run 5 or 6 miles without thinking about it at one point so I'm rather annoyed with myself.

So part of truly getting healthy is dealing with the emotional and physical factors that led to being so unhealthy in the first place.  I have to be completely honest and admit that a huge, gigantic part of it was frankly moving here.  To say I really don't like living here is putting it mildly.  Living here has left me rather miserable and helped to push me over the edge into depression.  There are lots of factors that contributed to it and I'm trying to work against them all now but some are hard to deal with.  And before anyone suggests it, no, I am not a believer in anti-depressants for myself. Pretty much everyone I know who has gone on them has had major personality changes, massive withdrawal symptoms, and in many cases simply never get off them.  And a quote from someone about how they felt before taking such meds on a regular basis will always stick in my mind "I remember being happy BEFORE taking them."  So, no, I don't at all believe that is an appropriate course of action for me or for many, many people who are currently on them.

The first winter we moved here was very isolating. Very isolating.  It took most of that year for us to figure out exactly how much of the driveway truly needed to be cleared in order for the van to actually make it out.  I lost track of the number of times the van got stuck.  Add to that the roads immediately near the house that are not the first on the plow list and a vehicle that frankly does not do well in snow and I was rather housebound.  Not at all what I needed.  I also discovered that the culture here is somewhat cold emotionally.  Yes, I have met lots of wonderful nice people.  But in general (and this is an observation coming not only from myself but from several other people who have moved here), many folks in this area are so comfortable in their own circles that they just are not looking for anyone new to bring into the fold.  They've known the folks around them their entire life and simply have no need for new social contacts so although they aren't intending to keep you at arms length, they simply aren't open and welcoming either.  Then throw in the general thinking in this area that more than a 15-minute drive is a long distance trek, and it makes it even harder to get to know folks.  Part way through that first year, we also discovered that the very folks we'd been hoping would be close enough to help us out if we ever had an emergency all refused to provide us that help when we needed it.  Yup, that was a huge slap in the face and very frustrating.  Throw in over the past few years a deployment over the major holidays where we were totally alone and no one really bothered to check in on us or see how we were doing.  I know I had it very easy compared to most folks I know who have had deployed spouses but spending Christmas totally alone with just the kids, a dog who was throwing up, not even knowing at the time where Alan was didn't do much to help (no, he did not spend most of his time in Germany). I did attempt a few times over those months to reach out and ask for help from folks and was always told basically sorry but we are too busy to help or we live more than 15 minutes away so that's just too far to come.  Yes, two folks in particular stand out as being wonderful during those months but other than Alan's civilian boss arranging weekly meals for us and a couple guys who cleared the driveway when our snowblower died, I was rather alone the entire time.  And also dealing with an idiot doctor who threatened to call social services because she felt our children were too small and in her words "genetics plays no role in how a child grows" and the massive stress leading to supply issues with breastfeeding (thankfully dealt with by feeding breastmilk donated from an amazing friend for several months).  Well, let's just say that since moving here, I have had very little time to just focus on myself.  I know there are many folks who will say so what. Get over it. It was in the past so it no longer matters. But frankly I just don't work that way emotionally and I don't know many people who really do.  It's not just one thing. One thing you can push behind.  It was the constant barrage of crap being thrown at me and the feeling as if I was never going to be able to shovel my way out of it.

So now I am doing my best to shovel my way out of it.  Doing my best to focus on getting back to where I should be.  Hopefully it will all work out.  Hopefully. And hopefully next week I will start back into the 5K training and actually be able to do more than just 2 running intervals because I must admit I really do miss that feeling you get from actually getting out and running.

2 comments:

Ashley M. said...

I've lived here my whole life and never realized how socially "cold" this place is until I got older. It really is just the way this place operates. It's sad. I'm not an overly social person and tend to keep to myself aside from FB and blogs, but I'm realizing that as a homeschooling mom of a bunch of little kids, I really do need more social interaction. It's hard to move outside of my 4 walls and interact sometimes (mostly just because I'm exhausted and the thought of packing up the kids to go anywhere makes me want to crawl into bed), but I know it's important. I'm working on it.

Cheryl said...

I know that a huge part of the noticeable difference to me is having spent so much time living in the south, midwest, and in transient military communities. In all of those cases, people just tend to me open and friendly and welcoming. Again, I don't think it is at all an intentional thing or that anyone is trying to keep folks out. Just the way things are normally done and not something people thing about in the same way.